My Torment

I'm fighting a battle, and afraid that I'll lose

A pathway in life that I just didn't choose

I look in the mirror but what do I see?

This overweight figure stares back at me.

This body is tired of my push to be thin

Yet my head can't escape this stranger within

The people around me, they don't understand

As they tell me my future is held in my hand.

I want to break free but I cannot explain

Why I live an existence which causes such pain

It's not that I'm happy and real tear I cry

Frightened of failure, afraid that'll die.

Relentlessly searching they look for a cure

For an illness confusing, hard to endure

They look for an answer, they tell me to wait

I pray that they'll find it before it's too late.

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling inside

At times I could run, give up and hide

They call it anorexia but what can they say

When they don't seem to know how to take it away.

Be glad if you're happy with the way that you are

It's fine to lose weight but don't take it too far

Be thankful for health and enjoy every day

For life loses joy when you're wasting away.

I woke up heavier/Lighter

I woke up this morning,

Could not believe my eyes,

I felt I was enormous it was such a huge surprise,

I didn't know the stranger,

That I had now become,

And when I saw the mirror,

It made me want to run.

When I reached into the wardrobe,

Where my clothes had always been,

I couldn't bare to touch them and,

I wished it were a dream.

But when I had a change of heart,

When I thought of yesterday,

And how my world was torn in two

By a game I liked to play.

It was only at that moment,

That the truth became aware,

The girl I was this morning was,

the answer to my prayer.

I jumped out of my bed today,

The room was in a spin,

I knew that there was something wrong,

I felt from within.

My bones they were protruding and my head was in a mess,

Although my feelings scared me,

I like it, I confess.

One part of my said "Good for you, your winning all the way,"

Yet another voice inside me said, "You're going to fail today."

Then suddenly I saw my past with all it's hurt and pain,

I didn't want my life to end so desperately in vain.

I stood up tall and looked around at all I had to lose,

That's when I saw my options and only I could choose.

How Awful Could It Be

How awful could it be?

To taste the food and drink the wine that has eluded me,

To find the strength to shut the door and throw away the key.

To give myself the treats and joys these things have never brought,

Without the endless pain and quilt my heart has always sought.

I cried myself to sleep at night,

In fear of every morn,

At times I asked why am I here,

Why was I ever born?

The only joy I've ever know was feeling small and thin,

The outside me was all I saw and not the girl within.

My mind has toyed with giving up,

The illness seemed so strong,

But for the first time in my life,

I feel that I've been wrong.

My body now so weak and tired,

Perhaps would feel less cold,

My mind with messages confused,

Would be renewed I'm told.

With hands and feet no longer sore,

I'd leave the past behind,

And soon the things I've long searched for,

Would now be mine to find.

To buy my clothes the size to fit,

Yet feel such calm and ease,

To see the thinness, gaunt and weak,

Can now no longer please.

Dreams For The Future

I'm trying not to look ahead but it's very hard for me,

For there are just so many things that I would like to be.

I look here at myself today, yet impossible it seems,

I cannot think of all of this, as anything but dreams.

To be strong and healthy and make a happy home,

To fill my mind with peace and joy and never feel alone.

To give the ones who care for me, the peace they so have earned,

For they've had too much heartache, as far as I'm concerned.

I would like to build a castle, beside a calm sea,

Then lock the door on all my fears and throw away the key.

Still most of all I'd love to find, no matter what it means,

The chance to make this all come true, so that it's no longer dreams.

Achievement

A word which covers such a lot,

From what I've done to what I've got,

From where I've been to where I'll go

And what I'll make of all I know.

I aim to strive and try to please,

But always feel so ill at ease.

While others push to win and gain,

My efforts seem to be in vain.

Yet those who care will disagree,

They see another side of me.

They tell me they are quite amazed,

By the two great children I have raised.

So when I think about the past,

And fear that nothing's going to last,

I'll do my best to push away,

These fears that blight my everyday.

For the greatest gift that I could find,

Is to really have true peace of mind,

For only then, I'll freely say,

That I've achieved a lot today.

What Lies Ahead

I have a question on my mind;

The answer seems so hard to find.

I don't know where Im going to go,

And wonder if I'll ever know.

Tomorrow is another day,

A time for hearing what they say.

For listening to their every word,

Not letting trues facts go unheard.

I know deep down inside of me,

A rich new life wants to break free.

Still such a risk I'll have to take,

If hopes fulfilled I'm going to make.

Yet future plans are hard to set,

With so much fear, despair, regret.

The type of life I have today

Seems easy in its own way.

So, simple then this plan of mine,

To take small steps, one at a time,

To count my blessings one by one,

And, pray my new life has begun.

If Only

If only I had seen what would occur,

How different life would then have been,

Without a care no aches or pain,

No sorrow wishing life would end.

If only I had found a friend, on whom I could depend.

When looking back on wasted years,

I long to cry,

For something that I lost,

And know will not return no matter how I try.

It's never easy to explain,

Exactly what I need to say,

To show how it really feels,

To dread the breaking of the day.

At times I long to touch your hand,

And see your smile,

To help you learn and understand,

If only for a little while.

The roads have been so long and steep,

And yet I plodded on,

I yearned for it to lead me home,

Instead it left me where I don't belong.

The inner conflict I have known,

Is hard to take,

I ask my mind to banish it,

If only for my body's sake.

I dream of being free,

And yet I know,

This safety net I choose to hold,

Cannot remain, it has to go.

I'm told the answer lies with me,

But still I cannot find,

A key to open and release,

The enemy who stole my mind.

Perhaps some day the time will come,

When free of fear I'll gladly say,

That I have found the reason why,

I chose to live my life that way.

So I will wait around with hope,

And then with watchful eye I'll see,

The rescuer who has been sent,

To heal my pain and set me free.

I’m special

I’m special. In all the world there’s nobody like me. Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me. Nobody has my smile. Nobody has my eyes, my nose, my hands, my voice. I’m special. No one can be found who has my handwriting. Nobody anywhere has my tastes – for food or music or art. No one sees things just as I do. In all of time there’s been no one who laughs like me, no one who cries like me. And what makes me laugh and cry will never provoke identical laughter and tears from anybody else, ever.

No one responds to any situation just as I would respond. I’m special. I’m the only one in all creation who has my set of abilities. Oh, there will always be somebody who is better at one of the things I’m good at, but no one in the universe can reach the quality of my combination of talents, ideas, abilities and feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some may excel alone, but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together. I’m a symphony.

Through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, walk, think or do like me. I’m special. I’m rare. And, in all rarity there is great value. Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others. I will accept – yes, celebrate – my differences. I’m special. And I’m beginning to see that God made me special for a very special purpose. He must have a job for me that no one else can do as well as I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes. That one is me. Because……..I’m special.

Author unknown